Monday, October 28, 2013

the bitter gourd. bitter melon.

as we grow up, things change. everything we perceived as 'sweet' during our childhood time started becoming bitter, sour, salty.  we learn how to handle realities. bite them, chew them, swallow them..n life goes on.

i wanted to post this as my fb status, but thinking that people will keep asking me why izyani why, what happened, so on and on, i decided to keep it here. maybe i need some space to pour out something from this big bowl of bursting heart. not to say bursting, maybe fragile, or to be exact, unstable. yes, unstable is the word.

i maybe insensitive at certain points, but when im being dragged to an issue, especially an ethical issue, it will be very much disturbing for me. i was brought up with a thought that everyone in this world is good, unless proven otherwise. but lots of things that happened keep me puzzling whether it should be the other way around. i used to trust everyone around me, i would call or text or meet my friends everyday and every night just to share with them some stories of what happened on that day, n i would tell them how much i appreciate them as a friend, hundreds of times a day. i even had a diary to write the names of everyone i met n what they said to me so that i can keep them in my heart forever. i can even talk to a stranger, tell them how much i want to be a successful person, listen to some encouraging words from them, write them, n memorize them so that i can get motivated whenever i need. 

how innocent..

but as i grow older, things started to change. im not sure whether its me or the people or the environment, but lots of things have change. i started having doubts whether i can trust this and that person, i started feeling uncomfortable telling stories to people around me, everything seems to be compartmentalized. there are more don'ts than do's, everything has a very narrow limit. n i ended up living in a small room with four walls, i can only see the walls n nothing beyond it. when u try to do good things, that thing that u think is good might be bad for some people. n vice versa. u see people praying n u join them, some people will come to u n say hey don't follow them there are bad people. BAD PEOPLE?they are praying, what's so bad about that?! n finally u decided not to trust any of them. u wanted to help a person trying to find his way to a place, n u end up being robbed or raped. n u decided not helping anyone again till u die. u are struggling to death in order to help people cure their diseases and make their lives at ease, but some people will come to u and whisper, 'don't believe the white coats people, they are serial killers' or 'they are actually Jewish people trying to destroy u'..n u end up malas nak study sebab kalau study pun jadi orang yahudi jugak.

yeaaa truth hurts. i know people won't just stop talking, but i wonder when people will stop talking bad things and backstabbing their own people. no more trust, no more faith, im just left with a piece of hope. hoping that my future gens will not live in this kind of world. selfish, inconsiderate, cruel, inhuman and unfair. 

n last but not least, when u sell nasi lemak n your customer nicely asked for some extra sambal, pls don't make an irritating face, take the periuk sambal and yelled, 'sambal dah habis!' 

we have a more polite way of saying things. i can understand when a patient yelled at me, because she's sick n may be emotionally unstable. i know why my mother nagged at me, because i don't listen to her. but sometimes, i just cannot find the answer for some scenarios that happen. like shooting a kid when u have a revenge to the president of the country. its like shooting the sun when ur aiming at the moon. 

ok the nasi lemak part is the reason for my current benign paroxysmal depression. simple n forgivable, yet im left thinking why and why and why that person should react that way. 

n that reminds me of an incident when i was chased out of a bus because i purchased the wrong ticket. it was the right one actually but because the bus driver had some misunderstanding, he stopped the bus in the middle of the road n chased me out without giving me even a second to explain.

that was years ago. but still i kenot brainnn la. at least i can just pay him another rm10 for a new ticket since there were like 20 empty seats?! still kenot brain.

is it about the parental education? or the academic system? or the world is meant to be like this?

ok the end. mari muhasabah diri.


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