it was a mistake..

i did a very big mistake in d beginning, n now its time to repent and start everything over again.

Sepanjang buat A-level kt MSU, sistem pembelajaran kt situ mmg lalala, buat la apa yg rsa nk buat. kalau nk study, study. kalo rasa tak nak study, tak payah study. mmg takde pressure, mmg best. tp, bila perangai tu terbawak2 ke alam medic ni, yang sakitnya diri sendiri. perangai study last2 minit tu mmg tak applicable utk medic. we need to understand, and b a lifelong learner.

mula- mula smpai sini, senior da pesan, dont drag things to the last minutes before exam. tp diri ni ketegaq (ni nk mula kluaq ckp kedah ni..haha :P), nak jugak study las minit, natijahnya lepas exam rasa mcm tersungkur, kena pijak2 smpai dah tak terdaya nk bangun balik. biochemistry especially, i thought all d reactions were easy, hafal ja suma reaction2 tu, den u'll get distinction. TP that kind of thought was totally wrong, sebab it took about 1 hour for me to memorize n understand a reaction. sbb term2 dlm biochem ni sgt la weird dan tak dpt diterima akal. so, in d end, i didnt sleep for the whole night before exam, just to study biochem, tp tak habes2 jugak reaction yg dihafal. bnyk gle kot. den msuk T.M. APAI examination hall, tawakal je la. n as expected, tgh2 exam menangis sbb rsa mcm tak study apa2. sedih sgt sbb apa yg dibaca n dihafal terkumat- kamit tu tak kluar, yg kluarnya yg tak sempat dibaca. huhu. apa la naseb diriku ini T.T

but then, its ok. i've got my lessons, n i need to move on. life goes on aite. hari ni 2nd block bermula. i will change, n start struggling from the beginning. kwn2, support me! :D

mereka...

pemandangan kt sini mmg ckup2 meruntun kalbu. tiap2 hari mesti ada ja scenary2 yg buat hati ni rasa hiba, n rsa bsyukur dilahirkan dlm nikmat yg pelbagai rupa. sorg pakcik tua yg sgt kurus terpaksa memerah keringat dlm sbuah pjuangan utk meneruskan sisa- sisa hidup. hari- hari kutip smpah, sapu smpah n daun2, tu la rutin harian pakcik ni. kdg2 ternampak dia baring kt atas tar, dah letih agaknya. tp tgn dan kaki dia, walaupun kurus n tak berisi, tetap bnyk bjasa dkt manipal ni. den ada makcik cleaner ni, she was born wif a birth defect. kaki dia cacat, so bila bjalan the sole is not stable, possibility utk jatuh when walking on an uneven ground sgt lah tinggi. spanjang dia kt sini, khabarnya dah bkali2 dia jtuh time buat keja. even so, she's still here, working hard to continue living. n smlm dkt super bazar, nmpak sorg makcik ni, keja dia kutip botol. pusing kanan, pusing kiri, den dia ternampak satu botol plastik. dia pun ambik n simpan dlm beg sandang kt leher dia. berapa sgt la dia akan dpt utk satu botol plastik tu kn. dah kelaparan agaknya, dia pun masuk satu kedai ni, mintak apa2 yg boleh dimakan. namun yg dpt bukannya mknan, tp kena halau pulak dgn tuan kedai tu. ksian kt makcik tu..huhu :(

kemudian terfikir, apa la nasib pakcik2 ngn makcik2 ni. nak dpt makan pun susah. tiap2 hari kena hina dgn org, sbb hidup melarat. tp sekurang2nya, diorg try to survive. kalo tak dah lma naek atas ketapi pastu bunuh diri. den tdetik kat hati, knapa la malang sgt nasib diorg, hidup susah, mati pun susah. sbb mereka2 ni la yg akan jd cadaver utk student2 medic, n plus, kebanyakkannya bukan penganut agama Islam. ibaratnya kt dunia pun da susah, kt akhirat lg la seksa. bersyukurlah kita yg kluar2 dari perut dah cop Islam. at lez d basic is there, we juz have to work more to become a better muslim aite. beruntunglah kita kalau nk dibandingkan dgn mereka2 ni, mengharapkan hidayah Allah utk dpt kehidupan yg lebih baik. smoga Allah buka pintu hati mereka utk terima Islam, so that eventhough kt dunia diorg hidup susah, kesenangan yg abadi menanti kt akhirat nanti. InsyaAllah :) n kita yg Islam ni, of coz bkn Islam dkt IC je, tp Islam yg btol dihayati2...amiiin~ :)

i think too much..

its a very big trouble when we think too much over something that we shouldnt be thinking about. this kind of things is killing me, somehow. since i reached here, clinics and hospitals turned up to be d best place to go when something is interrupting my mind. a little chest pain made me feel like ohhh no im dying, n millions of possible causes come across my mind. lung infection, myocardial infarction, heart attack, all those disturbances are like devils which spell me wif a feeling of anxiety. n a normal conjunctivitis (infection in d eyes because i wear contact lens for too long :P ) made me sticked to d mirror, looking n staring at my reddish eyes n thinking about stupid things endlessly. like, what if my eyes have to be removed because of this?how could i live without my eyes??n for a second, i feel like going to d clinic right at dat time. but it was 1 o'clock in d morning, n im sure nobody is going to serve me for having conjunctivitis at this time. so i tried to close my eyes n sleep, but i cant, keep thinking about my eyes over and over again. turn on d light, look at d mirror again, den turn d light off. back to my bed, pusing kanan pusing kiri, still i cant sleep. get up again, back to d mirror again, n this goes on n on smpai la esok pg. that's how i wasted my sleeping time. hmm.. d next day, i went to d clinic, d doc gave me an eye drop. i just used it once, and my eyes returned to normal. see, y shud u make ur life sooo complicated my dear izyani~ i think too much...

n today, i went to d hospital, up lagi dari clinic, for d 3rd time. 1st time bcoz of chest pain, 2nd time to get hepatitis injection. d doctor asked me, 'yes mam, whats ur complaint?' n i told him dat i had some muscle twitches since d last one month. he asked me if i have experienced some difficulties in walking, or tend to fall during walking. n i answered no, its just some tingling sensations all over my body. it feels like a worm is moving all around my body. he smiled. medical student is it? i nodded my head. he smiled again. what about ur chest pain? (he already studied my health record). i told him its fine. yeah, after having a terrible experience wif d ECG thingy, there's nothing wrong wif my heart, n my lungs. he said ur BP n pulses are perfect, so u dun have to worry much. he continued, u r studying in which year? i answered, 1st year. n dia pun ckp, 'u know, its normal to be experiencing diz kind of things when u started ur medical studies. u will notice things that u never noticed before. n u tend to get hyper worried even over a small change in ur body. dun wery, its normal. the twitching muscles are basically Benign Fasciculation Syndrome, it happens in everybody, especially when u r stress.

yeah, what he said is totally true. i am being hunted by my own shadow. he wrote a prescription, i expected dat he would give me some kind of medication to relax my muscle. it was ANXIT 0.25 mg. i came back, searched on the internet about d medication, guess what it is? a sleeping tablet! it will make me fall into a deep sleep, peacefully for few hours. haha xbgn subo la aku. diz doc really think dat im stressful. n i say, its not stress, but its curiosity. u tend to relate what u learn wif what's happening in ur body, n diz is d effects. aite?after all,i think too much~

one day in d future, when i have a patient wif a small wound comes to me and say, dr izyani, am i going to die because of this?im sure gonna laugh out loud n say, hey, ur my clone :D

when d pressure comes,,,

ok. medic is definitely not easy. i didnt expect it to be easy, but i never expect it to be diz hard. *sigh*

it's been nearly 2 months since im here, d process of adaptation takes a longer time den i thought it would. i've been staying apart from my family since i was 16, but being milions of miles away from my family kinda give me a deep psychological impact. i hve to set my mind ready for any circumstances, any possibilities dat can happen.

yeah, im homesick :(

anatomy test on diz monday, physio test on diz saturday.

Ya Allah, please give me sum strength. :(