wake up, izyani

Alhamdulillah..Alhamdulillah..i'm still alive eventhough my blog is almost dead. and im a year older, already 23 years old..quite a big number actually T.T

it's not that i didn't want to write, it's just that i hate writing something which is purely from my brain and not from my heart. something which is more theoretical rather than practical. simply uttering some words to make u feel n look great, but in real life the opposite things happen. yes, it happened to me just recently. i've turned into a completely different person. i went to the hospital for postings, i listened to the lecturers, but nothing entered my head. i went for lectures, i sat down n looked at the lecturers, they were saying something but i just couldn't hear anything. i went back to my room, i slept and i woke up in the morning, i went to the hospital again. that happened to me everyday, and i feel useless because my life has been so unproductive.

so i stopped writing. i stopped making motivational statuses on my fb n twitter. because i can't motivate people when I'm helpless and hopeless. Until one day, somebody said this to me, 'If i can buy time from those who are wasting time, I'll definitely buy them. Because I have so much things to do n I feel like 24hours a day is not enough for me. But i just can't do that.' When I hear that, I felt like somebody just wake me up from a looooong dream. Why am I wasting my life like this? Why can't I do something good to benefit myself and other people? Why can't I work really hard for my future?

So today, i decided to reorganize everything. I cant just wake up in the morning waiting to sleep again at night. Something great needs to happen everyday. 

Allah, guide me T.T jgn Kau jadikan hidupku ini sia-sia Ya Allah.

my last 2months

salam semua :)

just woke up, n im blogging at 3 o'clock in the morning, with the breeze, wind and rain outside the window..heee what a feeling :p

so, how are you people? still standing?  :)

for me, im enjoying my last 2 months in manipal. ahh time just flew away. felt like i just stepped on the ground of India, but it's actually been 2 years n half months. i was 20 years old back then, n i'm already 22 now. i wonder how much time is left for me to keep breathing..hmm

INDIA, i think its gonna be the title of a long fairy tale to be told to my grandchildren in another 40years. so many good things happened here. n so much lessons that i learnt from all the five senses. just, a lot.

im sure going to miss all the people here. my babies in the orphanage, especially. n the doctors and the lecturers. atuk shenoy, oh his inspiring face. Dr urala, who called me a donkey n a cow at the same time (i wonder how i look then), Dr minakshee, a woman with a motherly touch. Dr vinayak shenoy, a man with a smiling face. his face paradoxically smiles even when he is angry. n the way he sang a hindi song while doing surgery, im sure gonna miss it. not forgetting, Dr vinayak batt, who nailed my brain with the drainage of tonsil, the jugulo-digastric nodes..haha

n the blind boy whom i met few days back. his father is selling fruits in front of the hospital. the first day i met him, he was so scared n not willing to raise his head. i gave him the same sweet everyday so that he can recognize me from the taste of the sweets. today, after eating the sweet he looked at me and smiled. a smile which touches me forever. even he doesn't have eyeballs, the smile is so pure. Allah bless u, little boy.

ok, dah mula emo T.T

to be continued. esok ada posting!

:)

baby baby baby

salam everyone :)

sooo, i've been posted in obstetric and gynaecology department atau dalam bahasa melayunya, perbidanan dan sakit puan (if im not mistaken :p) since the last 2 weeks. even though i don't really like the field because of some reasons, but seeing with my own eyes what really happens during delivery of a baby is of course a priceless experience. reminds me that the same thing did happened to me 22 years back, but of course im the one being delivered instead of delivering :p n it was my mother who had gone through such a hardship just to let me see the world and become who I am today. yes, a human being. seeing the patients screaming and yelling, with blood, stools and urine came out all at once, im sure it doesn't feel good. it must be painful. yup, it's not easy. definitely not.

today, i witnessed labour for the 3rd time. 3 patients in the same room, one has just delivered the baby, and she was breastfeeding her baby. all the pain had gone after being able to hug her very first baby. the baby weight was 3.6kg and he looks soooo puffy and fluffy. the 2nd patient, she was still struggling. while the nurse was shouting bikibikibikiiiii, which means pushhh3, I saw a drop of tear on her face. the face which defines all the pain. :( n after few minutes, the head of the baby came out, then the body, and the legs, and the feet. n she cried. a cry which makes everyone happy. the baby is alive, and she's breathing. :D horaaaaaay!

and the last patient, she was delivering for a second time, and thing goes a little easy for her. just with a few 'pushing' efforts, pluupppp the baby came out. heeee :)

hello little buddy, say hi to the world. grow up well and become a good person ok? it's going to be a tough journey ahead, so u need some courage to go through everything. this dunyaa distracts, but im sure u'll do well. n i pray that u'll grow up as a muslim, a good slave of Allah. aminn :)

and thank you mak, for bearing all the pain, for going through so much difficulties, for letting me stay in ur tummy for 9 horrible months, for everything u've done to me. hanya Allah dapat membalasnya.

*insaf* :')

makes me think

^^ Today, I interviewed a woman who is terminally ill. "So," I tried to delicately ask, "What is it like to wake up every morning and know that you are dying?" "Well," she responded, "What is it like to wake up every morning and pretend that you are not?"

^^ Today, one of my best friends, Charlie, shot himself in the head at approximately 2PM. And I just noticed that I have a missed call from him on my cell phone with a timestamp of 1:56PM.

^^ Today, as soon as my 5-year-old baby brother came into my room, I yelled at him to get out without even looking up at him. When he didn't listen and I turned around to yell again, I noticed he had a bowl of cherries (my favorite) in his hands. He said, "Sorry, I just wanted to share these with you."

^^ Today I was approached by a homeless man who asked if I had any change. I only had two dimes, but I gave it to him anyway. As I watched him walk away, he put the dimes in an expired parking meter of a strangers car.

^^ Today, on the one year anniversary of my boyfriend’s death, I decided it was time to clear his clothes out of our closet. In one of his coat pockets I found a diamond engagement ring and concert tickets to my favorite band dated the Saturday after he passed.

^^ Today, I'm a neurosurgery candidate, going under the knife in 2 days. Last month I was a healthy 24 year old female athlete. Today, signed a DNR, just in case I come out as a vegetable. Today, I had to make a living will. Is it really my time? In 48 hours I’ll find out.

^^ Today when I read the news about the healthcare debate, I thought of my dad, who died of colon cancer at 86. When the doctor told him he could have 6 to 8 more weeks with chemo and radiation, my dad was horrified. "Spend Medicare money on me when there are kids without health insurance? I'm 86!"

^^ Today, I was at the grocery store when a young mother was pushing one of the carts that has a built in car on the front for her son to drive. He was spinning the steering wheel all over the place and his mother was making the cart go side to side, trying to match his steering without his knowledge. He thought he had all the power and control and she kept playfully telling him to slow down despite the fact that she controlled the speed. He was so happy. And this simple moment in the midst of my hectic day.

^^ Today, I got a blister on the back of my ankle from my shoes. I was sitting on the bus on the way home with my shoe off because it hurt. A homeless man sitting in the row across from me leaned over with something in his hand. Expecting him to hand me something I wouldn't want, I prepared to politely decline his offer. He said, "You might want this for your ankle so you can put it back in your shoe with it hurting," and handed me a band-aid.

(makesmethink.com)