the bitter gourd. bitter melon.

as we grow up, things change. everything we perceived as 'sweet' during our childhood time started becoming bitter, sour, salty.  we learn how to handle realities. bite them, chew them, swallow them..n life goes on.

i wanted to post this as my fb status, but thinking that people will keep asking me why izyani why, what happened, so on and on, i decided to keep it here. maybe i need some space to pour out something from this big bowl of bursting heart. not to say bursting, maybe fragile, or to be exact, unstable. yes, unstable is the word.

i maybe insensitive at certain points, but when im being dragged to an issue, especially an ethical issue, it will be very much disturbing for me. i was brought up with a thought that everyone in this world is good, unless proven otherwise. but lots of things that happened keep me puzzling whether it should be the other way around. i used to trust everyone around me, i would call or text or meet my friends everyday and every night just to share with them some stories of what happened on that day, n i would tell them how much i appreciate them as a friend, hundreds of times a day. i even had a diary to write the names of everyone i met n what they said to me so that i can keep them in my heart forever. i can even talk to a stranger, tell them how much i want to be a successful person, listen to some encouraging words from them, write them, n memorize them so that i can get motivated whenever i need. 

how innocent..

but as i grow older, things started to change. im not sure whether its me or the people or the environment, but lots of things have change. i started having doubts whether i can trust this and that person, i started feeling uncomfortable telling stories to people around me, everything seems to be compartmentalized. there are more don'ts than do's, everything has a very narrow limit. n i ended up living in a small room with four walls, i can only see the walls n nothing beyond it. when u try to do good things, that thing that u think is good might be bad for some people. n vice versa. u see people praying n u join them, some people will come to u n say hey don't follow them there are bad people. BAD PEOPLE?they are praying, what's so bad about that?! n finally u decided not to trust any of them. u wanted to help a person trying to find his way to a place, n u end up being robbed or raped. n u decided not helping anyone again till u die. u are struggling to death in order to help people cure their diseases and make their lives at ease, but some people will come to u and whisper, 'don't believe the white coats people, they are serial killers' or 'they are actually Jewish people trying to destroy u'..n u end up malas nak study sebab kalau study pun jadi orang yahudi jugak.

yeaaa truth hurts. i know people won't just stop talking, but i wonder when people will stop talking bad things and backstabbing their own people. no more trust, no more faith, im just left with a piece of hope. hoping that my future gens will not live in this kind of world. selfish, inconsiderate, cruel, inhuman and unfair. 

n last but not least, when u sell nasi lemak n your customer nicely asked for some extra sambal, pls don't make an irritating face, take the periuk sambal and yelled, 'sambal dah habis!' 

we have a more polite way of saying things. i can understand when a patient yelled at me, because she's sick n may be emotionally unstable. i know why my mother nagged at me, because i don't listen to her. but sometimes, i just cannot find the answer for some scenarios that happen. like shooting a kid when u have a revenge to the president of the country. its like shooting the sun when ur aiming at the moon. 

ok the nasi lemak part is the reason for my current benign paroxysmal depression. simple n forgivable, yet im left thinking why and why and why that person should react that way. 

n that reminds me of an incident when i was chased out of a bus because i purchased the wrong ticket. it was the right one actually but because the bus driver had some misunderstanding, he stopped the bus in the middle of the road n chased me out without giving me even a second to explain.

that was years ago. but still i kenot brainnn la. at least i can just pay him another rm10 for a new ticket since there were like 20 empty seats?! still kenot brain.

is it about the parental education? or the academic system? or the world is meant to be like this?

ok the end. mari muhasabah diri.

sbm 2.0 :)

Assalammualaikum :)

Alhamdulillah, sehari di seminar baitul muslim 2.0 di picc sabtu lepas. esok exam, tapi sgt excited nak berkongsi mcm2 pengajaran sepanjang seminar tersebut. hehe..semoga bermanfaat utk kita semua ok!

yang pertama, apa itu cinta?

memang banyak definisi cinta, tapi cinta yang hakiki adalah cinta yang membawa kita lebih dekat dengan Allah. kalau cinta itu membawa kita semakin jauh dan semakin lupakan Allah, walaupun si lelaki atau wanita tu cakap i love you berjuta2 kali pun, itu bukanlah cinta, tapi kita sedang mengheret orang yang kita cinta itu ke neraka, nauzubillah :(

kedua, bagaimana utk mencari jodoh?

1. Jadi soleh/ solehah..kita perlu jadi baik, bukan cari orang yang baik. bila kita baik, insyaAllah Allah akan temukan kita dengan pasangan yang baik (An-Nur, ayat 26) Allah takkan mungkir janji, kan? :)

2. Ikut pilihan orang yang baik

 "Tidak sempurna iman seseorang diantaramu hingga mencintai saudaranya seperti ia mencintai dirinya sendiri." (Bukhari - Muslim)

Jadi, orang yang baik akan memilih pasangan yang terbaik utk kita, sepertimana beliau memilih pasangan utk dirinya sendiri :)

3. Ikut cara yang baik- menggunakan orang tengah atau menerangkan hajat kepada orang yang kita sukai. jangan risau kalau kena reject, jangan malu untuk melakukan kebaikan, kerana satu kebaikan perlu dilakukan berkali2 :)

ketiga, fahami perbezaan lelaki dan wanita. 

Allah ciptakan lelaki dan wanita dengan sifat yang berbeza2. kerana sifat inilah timbulnya banyak salah faham dalam rumahtangga. jadi, cara utk menyelesaikannya? APPRECIATE SIMILARITIES, RESPECT DIFFERENCES. banyak perkara yang memerlukan toleransi. Kak Wardina pesan, kalau isteri nak suruh suami buat something, jangan expect suami akan faham2 sendiri utk buat, kerana sesungguhnya anda akan kecewa. ask him to do it, tell him. men and women are created to complete each other, not to compete :) dan kepada golongan lelaki, wanita melihat kuatnya anda pada tahap kesabaran anda. tak perlu pergi gym utk body building, that is not what we are looking for :) no no no, tak perlu ok? :)

persiapan?

persiapan perlu bermula dari sekarang. tak kisahlah anda akan berkahwin 10 atau 20 tahun lagi, persiapkan diri anda. dahulukan perkara wajib, sempurnakan perkara fardhu ain, banyakkan amalan sunat, berdamping dengan orang2 yang berilmu, isi masa kosong dengan perkara berfaedah, plan your future. cari kekuatan utk survival, dan belajar untuk tolerate benda2 yg remeh..paling penting, persiapan dari segi financial yer golongan lelaki ;)

next, lelaki baik utk perempuan yg baik?saya ni x cukup baik la, mcm mana nak dapat pasangan yang baik? :((

jangan risau! ustaz pahrol kata, lelaki yang baik utk perempuan yg baik tu bukan hanya utk di awal perkahwinan. mungkin di awal perkahwinan si isteri kurang baik, tapi suami didik beliau sampai jadi baik. atau mungkin si suami yang kurang baik, tapi isteri doakan suami dan Allah makbulkan, maka sama2 mereka jadi baik. ataupun kedua2nya kurang baik, tapi masing2 cuba utk jadi baik, maka dua2 jadi baik, ibarat tangan kiri dan kanan yang kotor, bila dicuci tangan kanan bersihkan tangan kiri, tangan kiri bersihkan tangan kanan, maka kedua2nya jadi bersih..heee lagi sweet kan? :)

dan yang terakhir, jangan takut utk buat benda yang betul. kalau kita lakukan perkara yang baik, insyaAllah hati akan tenang. yang penting, minta dengan Allah. sempitkan ruang penzinaan, luaskan ruang perkahwinan.

sekiannnnn perkongsian utk kali ni..bnyak sgt kalau nk kongsi, tapi ni yg termampu utk entry kali ni.

btw, sapa nak temankan saya pegi program ni angkat tangaannnnn!

i have a dream

memang dari dulu suka sangat buat charity works. rasa best sbb masa lapang boleh fill up dengan benda yg sentiasa mengingatkan kita tentang kehidupan. sentiasa mengajar kita erti bersyukur dengan segala nikmat yang ada. betapa susahnya kita, betapa sukarnya hidup kita, ada orang lagi susah drpd kita. ada orang berharap utk jadi macam kita. ada orang tengah berhadapan dengan sakaratul maut, meminta2 Allah bagi sedikit lagi masa, untuk bertaubat, untuk berbuat kebaikan. tapi kita masih dilimpahi dengan nikmat kelapangan, Allah terus bagi peluang untuk kejar pahala. 

jadi, dengan semangat yg berkobar2 ini, tiba2 terasa nak organize charity organization di melaka ni..mungkin secara kecil-kecilan dulu memandangkan masa pun sangat lah limited dengan hal2 study. tambah semangat lepas dengar cerita oki setiana dewi, yang bnyk buat kerja2 kebajikan. oki dan kawan2nya banyak bantu golongan2 yang disisih masyarakat, contohnya banduan, kutu2 lepak, golongan lesbian dan gay. kalau kita mesti takut kan nk berdepan dengan golongan ni? tapi oki siap bole berdakwah sampai berubah mereka ni. dengan cerita ni lah terasa sgt inspired utk buat benda yang sama.

insyaAllah, semoga Allah permudahkan hasrat ni. teringin jugak nak volunteering sambil travelling..maybe ke negara2 lain..heee :) tapi buat masa ni perlukan orang yang mempunyai minat yang sama. sapa yg agak2 berminat tu boleh la roger2. insyaAllah bermula dengan organization yg kecil kita boleh besarkan bila tenaga pekerja dah ramai.

:)

wake up, izyani

Alhamdulillah..Alhamdulillah..i'm still alive eventhough my blog is almost dead. and im a year older, already 23 years old..quite a big number actually T.T

it's not that i didn't want to write, it's just that i hate writing something which is purely from my brain and not from my heart. something which is more theoretical rather than practical. simply uttering some words to make u feel n look great, but in real life the opposite things happen. yes, it happened to me just recently. i've turned into a completely different person. i went to the hospital for postings, i listened to the lecturers, but nothing entered my head. i went for lectures, i sat down n looked at the lecturers, they were saying something but i just couldn't hear anything. i went back to my room, i slept and i woke up in the morning, i went to the hospital again. that happened to me everyday, and i feel useless because my life has been so unproductive.

so i stopped writing. i stopped making motivational statuses on my fb n twitter. because i can't motivate people when I'm helpless and hopeless. Until one day, somebody said this to me, 'If i can buy time from those who are wasting time, I'll definitely buy them. Because I have so much things to do n I feel like 24hours a day is not enough for me. But i just can't do that.' When I hear that, I felt like somebody just wake me up from a looooong dream. Why am I wasting my life like this? Why can't I do something good to benefit myself and other people? Why can't I work really hard for my future?

So today, i decided to reorganize everything. I cant just wake up in the morning waiting to sleep again at night. Something great needs to happen everyday. 

Allah, guide me T.T jgn Kau jadikan hidupku ini sia-sia Ya Allah.